TIMOTHY GORDON BREMSER

I’m going to start with one of Tim’s favourite quotes from one of his favourite people Frank Zappa: 

“You can’t write a chord ugly enough to say what you want to say sometimes. So you have to rely on a giraffe filled with whipped cream.”

This resonates – I don’t know how to find words to express a fraction of the beauty and complexity that was Tim. Or to express my love and depth of grief, love, respect, gratitude and longing for getting to spend 29 years of my life with this beautiful man. However I want to offer something to the community of life and the living who also love and care for Tim. This is somewhat long – also reflecting Tim. If he ever wrote a letter or a poem or even most emails – it was not short on words. So get your tea.

Writing this - I have endeavoured to follow Tim’s own suggestions in his writing to “create a story, conjure a mood, and break the rules”. So this is not an obituary – it is more of a shared love letter. 

I’ve waited almost 6 months to write this. I wanted to write it from love only and not from fear and numbness. It’s taken this long to thaw. And to have time to reflect on the whole of Tim’s life - and begin to heal from the last months of navigating together the winding down of his heart. Tim squeezed all the life he possibly could out of his beautiful, exhausted heart. Tim became so attuned to the signals from this central place – containing its own network of 40,000 neurons. I share these nerdy details as it is something Tim would love to share in a random text. This network can sense, store, and act on information independently. The cardiac system influences the brain regions that govern perception, decision-making, and emotions. When you feel something in your chest before you’ve consciously registered why, that’s not imagination. That’s the heart talking first. Tim spent much time in this conversation, listening inwardly.

Tim loved life – all of it. 

Here I would like to mention 

some of his favourite parts... 

Music is probably his first and central love. Playing guitar from when he was a kid, and “sculpting air” throughout his life, regularly on our 3rd floor Sunday evenings for the better part of the last 20 years. Tim composed piano music, plucked out tunes on an accordion or harmonica or with a hand drum, and loved the “play” of Sunday night jam sessions playing guitar with friends. Never one to perform “for” others - he would often play solo or with a few friends. However he also played in a lot of spaces around the world, in particular loving to talk about his days and nights of busking on the streets of Montreal, playing for animals and bugs in different places or jungles where he lived, or for the special acoustic effects in parkades – in Tim’s own words “My best musical performances have been for goats, cats, and drunks.”

Painting and the love of art comes up closely as his next passion. Self-taught through books and courses that he continued to take to the very end – Tim amassed quite a collection which fills many corners of our house. For Tim painting was expression, therapy, education, an invitation to explore murky corners of ourselves. Never for decoration. Believing art could teach people “to see” differently he loved any reaction to his work – positive or negative – just engagement!

Conversation was a longing and an art form for Tim. He longed for community to engage, discuss, debate. Oh he was not always easy to live with or to be in a conversation with – as I know many out there also know. Opinionated, strong-minded and loving a 20 minute monologue to get his thoughts out – he was also one of the few people I’ve seen listen as deeply as he expressed himself, and loved nothing more than a conversation that dug in enough that resulted in him changing his mind. Which I saw him do on many an occasion. Philosophizing, letter writing (yes with ink), and poetry were among his many ways of exploring words and ideas and inviting a shared communication. Tim loved connecting with many people whether that conversation was in words, art, photography, music or a shared enthusiasm for an apple fritter.

Woodworking, plastering, guitar building and the engines of cars and motorcycles. Yet another part of Tim’s brain he spent hours in and where his thoroughness, organization, and love for high quality equipment excelled. Why this ability for ongoing cleanliness and ‘everything put away’ could not translate to the kitchen I’ll never understand. (Oh he’d be peeved at me for saying that – ha!)

Ironically one area of life Tim respected and loved the most was the physical body. Ironic only because his body went through so many trials and challenges. He both intimately inhabited his body and had to find a way to disconnect from its discomforts. He loved to draw and paint the body, see dance, feel through all the senses, and celebrate movement of all forms. Always reminding me to keep moving and take care of my body – he offers the tip: “Dance before you calcify”. I know he meant that literally and symbolically of the body and the mind.

There are so many more things Tim loved so to just list some more of Tim’s favourite things I think of today... camping, goats, horses, bugs, spiders in particular, butterflies, dragonflies, bumblebees, trees, lilies, poppies, the Whiteshell, water, travelling, travelling stories, science, astronomy, daily science news with Sabine Hossenfelder, Buckminster Fuller, Dostoevsky, Rachmaninoff, Miles Davis, Frank Zappa, the Beatles, his stratocaster, sandwiches, cheesecake, black forest cake, cinnamon torte, dark rye bread, French’s mustard, spaghetti, breakfast out, coffee, a book, a journal and a good fountain pen. He loved deeply our cats Schroeder and Jasper. There was never a day I didn’t know he loved me. I’m so grateful for how fully he loved and expressed that.

I’ll think of more things tomorrow. 

And every day after that.

Tim was always carrying around his pens and paper. Even in the last weeks in the hospital he had some writing with him. He may have written this 20 years ago or just in January – he was always building on it. 

“We need to have our heart open… Its crucial for proper growth to have the heart and mind open...To feel and process the hurts and apply the pressure they produce into creative endeavours is to foster a health… Stable in its flexibility and poise beneath its strain. Beauty is the result.” 

Tim and I had many conversations about death over the years. Of course I’m as confused by it now as ever, but I’m not doubting Tim is free and there was a peacefulness in his transition. As per these many chats, there was no formal or traditional funeral – rather many personal and private celebrations.

Tim would love nothing more than to be fussed over now and then in perpetuity (he was an absolute Leo) So if you’d like to participate in a celebration of Tim please consider taking a moment to notice a lily, a bumblebee, a cloud or the sound of tree leaves, and give your version of a celebratory ‘whoop” to life. This is something Tim taught me to do on the regular. Create something and notice the whimsy.

Speaking of creating... and all those paintings I mentioned. I hope to someday display, convey, portray the breadth of Tim’s work in some way. I don’t know what form this will take. If you’d like to be notified of such a happening – or if you have a story, video or story of Tim to share – please use this email:  rareearthquill@gmail.com to be in touch with me. 

And who am I? I am Vicki - friend of Tim’s for 37 years, life partner of 29 years. Holder of all his “stuff” and – I hope - honouring the magnificent yet fleeting imprint he left on this earth. 

For Tim - Love you sweetie

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ETHICAL DEATH CARE

Cremation & Life Celebrations

1833 Portage Avenue - Winnipeg

204-421-5501 - www.ethicaldeathcare.com

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